Loughborough University, UK -- British scientists have reportedly created the world's smallest violin in a nanotechnology breakthrough which could revolutionize rapid response to emotional liberal sympathy ploys. According to the team, the microscopic instrument was created to "... help progressives deal with the realities of life."
Dr. Nigel Ellingsworth-Bingley-Smith lead the team and spoke briefly with the press today. "People ask us why, so I'll explain. Collectively, our team have worked in academia for centuries and we have seen the phenomena of Liberal Tears up close. More than anyone should, really. It is a leading cause of bad decisions throughout the world. Not to mention the severe dehydration it causes to the patient."
He went on to cite several academic research papers showing evidence that progressives really want sympathy for themselves and don't truly care about what they're crying about. He continued, "This sympathy has previously been effectuated by tiny 'finger violins' but this solution has never been very effective at stemming the flow of these tears. Please refer to Bartach's 1998 Madrid report, and Gorkenstiener's seminal work with childless cat ladies from 2009 through 2018. We feel what has been lacking is the actual sound of the tiny violin playing a sad soundtrack to these people's pathetic, misguided lives. Even the most advanced finger violin technology doesn't produce that soundtrack very well. Using full size violins aren't a practical solution, of course. That was our starting point."
He added they are intending to form a company to mass produce the tiny violins and pre-orders have been pouring in from around the world.
Statistics: Posted by Panem Et Circenses — 6/16/2025, 11:19 am — Replies 0 — Views 23