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Washington, D.C. — U.S. District Judge James E. Boasberg, noted enthusiast of post-rational jurisprudence and the West Wing as constitutional theory, issued a nationwide injunction Tuesday declaring the United States Constitution unconstitutional—citing its promotion of problematic originalism, blatant self-violation, and general incompatibility with what he described as “today’s flexible truth environment.”
In his 113-page opinion (also available as a spoken-word podcast and coloring book), Judge Boasberg explained that the Constitution’s system of checks and balances has “spiraled into a Möbius strip of legal paradoxes,” thereby ushering America into what he termed “the Schrödinger’s Republic phase of its experiment.”
As an interim measure, the judge recommended that governing authorities rely on “vibes, consensus feelings, and the transcripts of Rachel Maddow’s daily broadcasts.”
Critics called the decision “judicial cosplay” and warned that unless reversed, it could lead to the immediate ratification of all ideas previously considered “too dumb for college dorm rooms.”
“Judge Boasberg just placed himself above the White House and possibly above gravity,” said a spokesperson for the Trump Administration. “We’ve gone from government by the people to government by the people who moderate Wikipedia.”
As one unnamed constitutional scholar put it, “What else did you expect when some states have replaced the Constitution with HOA rules, and half the county thinks the Federalist Papers were a garage-rock band.”
Not everyone was alarmed. In a street interview, a bystander named TJ shrugged: “If the Constitution is unconstitutional, does that mean everything else is constitutional now? Like, can I park in a no-parking zone? Asking for a friend with 47 tickets.”
Still, some see the ruling as visionary. “It’s about time someone pointed out that a document written in cursive might be unreadable for women and minorities,” said activist Ima Rebel. “We could crowdsource a new one—something nonbinary and ideally in Comic Sans.”
Judge Boasberg’s ruling is expected to face challenges in higher courts, assuming any remain by the end of next week. In the meantime, all three branches of government have been instructed to consult their horoscopes before taking further action.
Statistics: Posted by Red Square — 4/10/2025, 10:00 am — Replies 2 — Views 1116
